Its another day. I don’t want to write this, I want to bottle all this up and leave it there. Free therapy I guess. Have you ever fought so hard to get love etc from someone just not willing to give? That’s the theme of my life. Maybe I am too needy? What’s strange is these people are pretty damn demanding I meet their needs, follow their rules, yet they give nothing. I am cursed to love vampires I suppose. Not the sexy romantic Edward kind either.
So far I have no topic , my emotions since a couple days back have been raw, open wounds. Do you ever feel like you have things together? Like the bleeding from your wounds is under control, the one holding the knife seems to be steady , you can finally let out a little sigh of relief?? That’s been the past month or so with me. Funny thing is it never last long. Why?? Why can’t it??. You creep under the radar and its ok. Then BAM! the vampire awakes rips your heart from your chest, you are standing there watching it beat in their hands all the while they are spewing blame on you. When things seem smooth, like I’m allowed to be myself, I come alive.. When this happens I just crawl in my hole.
The floods of self doubt, self hate come in waves, see its funny how someone else can be a fuck up yet they project their shit on you , so in the end you are hating blaming yourself and they are off happy as clams. Fear. I had sworn off fear, maybe it was just depending on how long I could keep everyone “ok”, maybe my peace is in a sick way tied into other people being ok. Fear hit, the fact that you are now helpless again or lost all fight in you, so you surrender. Knowing you are forever sucked back into the hole of being stuck. When a human can say the worse possible things to you, then turn around and claim how much they need you , do you know what that does?? I have lived this my whole life. Raging men that I have to keep happy. Men taking all of me since I was a little girl and killing me inside, yet I have to keep them happy, the guilt that comes when you fail this task is awful.
What is it inside me? That considers this normal? What has fucked me up so bad that this is normal life? Its my reality? If I just continue to give men boundaries and threats, is it changing anything? Will my absense matter? Or am I again seeing it all wrong? Now the Christian faith made this scenario even worse, they made me feel when I was a better wife, mother, christian, then I would get all my hearts desires.. Yep didn’t happen. I found when you “let go and let God” people are sneaking behind your back killing you still while you are engulfed in being better.
Is it to just let them be? Should I say its ok you can be you, I will love you, and just with full acceptance let it be? Am I perceiving it wrong? What should I be doing? Do I just detach from these people ( some its not possible they want you at their side, at their beck and call non stop) but do I try to emotionally detach and just not care? See I need love, if I didn’t this wouldn’t matter. I have huge amounts to give, and a huge desire to be filled. I am talking out loud, possibly in circles, each time happiness comes it gets ripped away. I was told by an awesome person to not say I’m rambling, I think it applies here lol. I am on a journey. I don’t want to raise my white flag and fall under another person into a zombie life of submission, always giving, never receiving. Hopefully the fear will subside and I can focus again.
I have to rise above, I have to do better than this, always speaking, never being heard. Its madness and I’m ready to get off the ride.
Good vibes and love to all today.
Song of the day on repeat is Bebe Rexha I Can’t Stop Drinking About You remix.