History Lesson

Its a beautiful new day. I must say after the past few days the sun is shining again and I refuse to let my demons take me down. Today I’m going to give a brief history lesson.. About muwah, yours truly, me! I feel in order to heal and grow you should share and listen to others share. It also gives amazing insight as to what has shaped people.

Here we go, deep breath in..

I was born out of wedlock to a 20 year old amazing girl, and a father that I still do not know. I have heard he was a pot head, didn’t want to work yadda yadda, my mom left him not long after my arrival. Fast forward to me about a year old, my mother meets a charming older man and they quickly get married. My real fathers signs his rights away and is only to be seen 2 times my entire life.

I have an amazing memory, some don’t believe me unless I tell you something and you were there lol. I can remember sitting in my highchair, taking naps under the age of 3, walking all wobbly as a very little child. I remember things vividly. Most of my childhood the theme was fear. My father ( the only one I have known that adopted me) was an alcoholic. He was very angry. I remember being scared to be around him. My half sister came along when I was 3, I was never really thrilled about it lol. At the age of 4 something happened that would forever start a destructive streak in me. I was molested for the first time. I remember it like a movie playing in my mind. I was told to shut up or he would tell all my family it was my fault. In stand fear, guilt, shame, its taken almost 30 years to shake that , those have been the foundation of my existence.

I was a very quiet shy child, but I had an amazing imagination. I loved to write and I lived on music from the time I could remember. I would write plays, stories, dance and sing non stop , make up games by myself or with my best friend. As far back as I could remember I didn’t care what others thought about me, I was 8 and wearing high top neon pink chucks to school and I had my hair cut on side to my shoulders the other above my ear lol. It seemed there always lurked a male to try and steal everything from me.

My parents divorced at 6. My mom right away was with another man. They secretly married at the same time they decide to tell me that my dad isn’t really my dad and I don’t know this guy “dad”. My world shifted again. A hole of never knowing, the immediate feeling that I’m not good enough to be loved that saturated my whole. Damn. Life. Another life altering event happened around this time. I was at my grandparents a lot in the summer and in general. At the age of 6 I was molested by my cousin, this continued until age 13 when he actually raped me. After that he wasnt around much. I have never told my family any of this, not sure they would even believe me. My new family wasn’t that great, I later was diagnosed with ADD but my step father seemed to enjoy daily telling me how worthless I was, lazy, stupid. I escaped into music and dace it was my life. I also wasnt sure what it was but i was learning some things about myself ( as an adult finding out I’m an empath) I was obsessed with the spirit world, ghost, I even dabbled in Wicca in 4th/5th grade. By middle school I had been suspended, I was drinking, I went into a dark Gothic grunge stage.

When high school started I was a mess, depressed, angry, shame filled. I was admitted into a mental hospital for a week for trying to take too many of my Ritalin and Zoloft. My home life was awful , non stop arguing with my step dad, feeling my mom was on his side, going into high school. Freshman year was drinking, sleeping with guys, smoking pot. The worst memory was getting really drunk at a graduation party and being raped in the basement. It start off well.

Sophomore year I was a punk rock queen for the next couple years I was a feminist, Bikini Kill were my idols, life was drinking, getting high, parties, and shows, music ALL THE TIME. My senior year started and I was invited to my first rave. Life changed again.

I was kicked out school going to raves all the time, I was using every drug you can imagine ( never heroine or shooting up). I wasn’t working and I met an older guy who was a drug dealer. I saw people die, I left a place once and minuets later the house was raided and people shot. I left a hotel to buy drugs one time, minuets later the DEA had it surrounded, everyone busted. I came close to an over dose. Life was chaos. I have no clue why I didn’t die, go to jail, or get shot. I did however get saved bc at 17 I found out I was gonna be a momma.

Totally life changing. I was a single mom, I got clean worked my butt off and loved that little girl more than anything.

Fast forward a year. I randomly decide hhmm maybe church would be a good idea. I visit a church I had visited as a child with my dad. Hearing that I could be new, wonderful, attain perfection and have a special place with God only the select best get, well it was what my broken heart wanted to hear. I was entering a cult. No joke. A leader who thinks she is the voice of God that controls your life. You are spoon fed bullshit and she says its mysteries only God gives her. I was married off fast, like a few month in. I married an 18 year old ( I was 19) who was abused his whole life and every move controlled. That’s of course how I lived. I was told everything about me was awful and wrong to change it. My clothes were picked out daily. What I ate, where I went. Sometimes I was literally locked up at home with no car, no phones, left to watch veggie tales all day.

So 6 months in, I’m expecting my second child. I was very sick. 106 fever for days, laying on a mattress delusional. My husband says he doesn’t want to pay for a doctor visit, he doesn’t believe in insurance. My step dad sneaks in my home and gives me the money. I had a kidney infection, UTI, and bladder infection. Oh and congrats your pregnant. Things just got worse. After having his child more restrictions. I could no longer see my family bc they weren’t a part of the cult.

I was alone, miserable, sometimes he was violent if I tried to get away or fight back. A year later I have my son. During this pregnancy my husband lost it. The mind control of the cult was getting to him. He went crazy, after getting out of a hospital he stopped going to church. He would stay out all hours until 6am at clubs, strip clubs etc. I was locked up alone preggo, a baby, and a 4 year old. In 2007 I finally got out. It was a nightmare but I did it. This started a journey into healing, learning, growing, loving myself, so much. I will finish tomorrow bc the next chapter of my life up until now needs a few more post lol.

This is my story. It shaped me but I refuse to let it rule me ever again. Everyone I encounter ask in wonder how do you go on? How did you survive? How are you so happy and optimistic. I’m not really sure, in spite of all I love life and I can still the beauty everyday. I am now free. Getting more free each day. I never had anyone rescue me, or unlock the door. I had to fight, screaming with tears, to get where I am today. Its still messy but I have hope.

Much love and good vibes to you today.

My song for today.. Kid Cudi Pursuit of Happiness