Good afternoon world!
I’m feeling so much better, like the clouds parted and I’m soaking up the sunshine again. After talking to an awesome friend, guru, twin lol. I feel refocused and ready to take on the world.
Back to the history I suppose.
So. After my nasty divorce that I didn’t think I would survive ( I was stalked, drug through a parking lot on the back of my ex’s truck, he tried to take my son), I got my own place, a job things were ok.
The darkness and depression was unbearable, my babies were gone, I was alone. Guilt ridden. No one, I mean no one was there, I was still attending the cult and not one person was there. No phone call, talks, nothing. I found some friends at work. A cute lesbian that I knew when I was a teen. I stayed with her a lot. I just wanted to escape life. I spent every second my babies were around totally engulfed in them. Drinking, pills, just trying to escape. Then one day after church I was laying on my floor, in despair screaming, crying, I swear I felt God himself come down , hold me and say it will be ok.
I was refocused, I did emerge into the cult, I was so scared to be myself, or make a mistake as a single mom when we are all depending on just me. It was like I still needed the negative voice telling me how awful I am and what I need to do to be better, to be loved, to be in Gods special group etc. I found a mentor, she was awesome, she became like NY mother. She had a way of bringing spirituality and psychology into one. We did a lot of inner healing. For the first time I really felt loved by God. During these years I hate to say it but I was still at my ex husbands every call. He kept making false promises of him getting help, us having a family, yet him and everyone around me had the same theme… If Shawna keeps working hard to be her best then things will work out. He used me to get meals, his home cleaned, and to be intimate whenever he wanted . I didn’t know he was of course sleeping around and using me.
I did get stronger and more independent. I started my own business and made great money. I finally cut my ex off and fought him in court for full custody and I won. I had Bible studies and was surrounded by women I was helping and encouraging, they became like my family.
So at this point, I think I’m doing good. Yes I was lonely at times, but I had worked hard and fought hard to have a good life , I was free to do as I wanted, I filled it with amazing people and adventures. I still always felt I was living a fake lie, and conforming to a doctrine I didn’t believe in. I never fully believed it, I studied the Bible like a mad man and could not get it to line up with the bullshit I was being fed at this cult. Sadly we will conform out of fear, guilt, trying to attain perfection at times.
The next chapter of my life is meeting my current husband, leaving the cult, step parenting, and coming into my own.
Thanks for reading we are getting to the best part and that is NOW where my journey starts to makes more sense, I become free, I am no longer willing to be the victim.
Much love and good vibes to you!