Yesterday I totally started writing, hit save, it didn’t save blah!!! I will finish up the history later but I have some random things on my mind.
I had a tornado dream like 3 weeks ago. It was a “oh crap ” moment. For the past 7 years , each time I had one something big happens, like things change. Its usually painful at first but then things settle and its better than before. Kind of like a tornado I suppose.
I thought it was us moving soon, but I’m pretty sure its not. I have some ideas but they scare me. Still waiting for the uh huh moment.
Another thing I was thinking about, is my whole life men have wanted something from me, a piece of me, to claim me. I hear so much how beautiful I am, I could have anyone or do anything. See my only desire is for love. Not money, possessions, ( ok adoration yes but I’m a Leo cut me some slack). The worst feeling is when you realize a person only wants a piece of you, like you are a trophy and not human. I want to be heard, understood, loved, for my flaws to be spilling over yet still loved. To feel like I’m worth fighting for. For the most part my beauty has felt like a curse for anyone to take advantage of me. I am a human, I have so much to offer, I will no longer give my time to people who aren’t invested in me.
Yesterday was awful. I was tired, cranky, almost went postal at Kohls … Arguments All. Day. Long. I’m left feeling should I do what I always do? Lay my wants, desires etc aside to pacify another? So they feel ok, loved, wanted. Or do I stay with the winds of detachment and just let it be? I have had this enormous fear of hurting others my whole life, no matter the pain they inflict on me, its somehow my job to make sure they are happy, their needs met etc. Its very hard to break that. As long as things are ok and not busting at the Seam, I can play damage control and try to keep it that way.