History pt 3

I guess I need to wrap this up to move on lol. I have 5 kids and its non stop , living an hour from town sucks. Driving all the damn time! Today is pretty good I suppose, faced with standing my ground or giving in. Isn’t it crazy how if you set healthy boundaries and let others know what is ok and not ok for your own life, you end up the bad guy? I am working on detaching, or at least getting the courage and trying to figure out the best way to go about it. More on that later, its sunny and hot ( my favorite) I’ve been jamming all day. Can’t complain. I feel myself coming alive again and doing the things I love, instead of giving them all up bc my every second is expected to be devoted to others. It feels so good.

I left off after my divorce etc. I had grown so much, aside from the shit with cult I was deeply involved in at the time, I was so happy, like floating on clouds, my second mom Rebecca , gave me the name Shawna Joy lol. It was just finally seeing how damaged I was, seeing I could do things to change it and be free, happy, no longer a victim. It was fucking amazing.

So one day the cult leader sends her minions to tell me to cut my ex off for good and get away from him, he is dangerous, bad, God showed her all this. Right. Why in the hell was it that moment, that did it. Hearing someone tell me God was ok with me cutting him off. So it was the biggest relief bc for 4 years after being divorced the theme was work on being a better me and then wait on god to change him so we can have a great marriage this time.. Yep didn’t happen, and now I don’t have much faith in people that refuse to change at all.

One hot day in late July my friend ( now sis in law) tells me “hey I know a guy who likes you”.. Me “who”. Her “Shane”.. Me “isn’t he married? I used to babysit his kids” her “yeah but he is filing for divorce”.

Now her husband my now bro in law had the exact convo with Shane, except I wasn’t married lol. They tricked us lol. It worked. Shane was so sweet, like sickly overly sweet, the stuff us Leos eat up. I trusted him off the bat ( I’m a mom who can sense shit so I trusted him). He was cute, funny, swept me off my feet. We talked via text or phone all day everyday. We didn’t see each other much at first bc he was in process of a divorce. There was some red flags. I had decided I wanted to be my very best and be so happy and ok with my life, that anyone I met would just be a bonus to my amazing life. I thought that’s what I found, I was very wrong. Shane was miserable in his last marriage, he would find ways to escape his life. From the time he got off work he would sleep, then when his wife and kids went to bed he would play video games all night. Not putting him blast, I’m not saying he didn’t have reasons or whatever, this is just how things were.

So I come along and I become his everything. I lost some close friends I had made. I mean don’t get me wrong it was nice to an extent, but it really upset me. After a while things started unfolding. At first He made it seem everything about me was amazing and he wanted to be just like me, agreed with everything I said, believed, wanted etc. This finally came to an end. Come to find out we are as opposite as two people can be. We don’t agree on anything. Parenting, finances, clothing, music, entertainment.. It was getting to be a mess.

Add two more kids with a drug addict mom that is awful to deal with and it got ugly fast. The stress of step parenting two very young kids who were dealing with a lot was and is very very hard. They can’t grasp things like older kids and adults, they were fed so many lies, not fun. So there I am feeling suffocated, isolated, controlled ( I was at his beck and call non stop) working ( running a day care) and raising 5 kids ( 2 step kids) .. His family didn’t like me. They blamed Shane being up my ass 24/7 on me “stealing him” like I’m a control freak keeping him locked away lol. Oh yeah Shane is Passive aggressive, he won’t talk about things, he will not have any confrontation, he will do anything to please others ( but me), he won’t handle situations that require him to do something, it leaves people hurting, and confused, things left undone.

We were going in and out of church, I was getting more angry and resentful everyday that I was taking care of everything, all he had to do was go to work and come home. We made a big move to Louisville, I loved it, we got away from the church and people. This is when I really started to study to find out what I do / don’t believe. As usual Shane had no interest in these things. He just defended the cult. After a while our marriage broke down. He stopped showing/giving any love. All that was left was bad except I kept giving and trying. I knew something was wrong but I couldn’t prove it at first. After I started learning, it was denied, I was made to look crazy. Divorce was being tossed around non stop. It was hell.

We moved back to Indiana this past December. Again happy at first but short lived. I did discover what was going on. I had made up my mind that I was leaving Shane come the new year. Fear hit, apologies said, he says he would die without me . I stay. Same shit happens, I find out again. I’m ready to leave again by April. The only reason I stayed was bc we started marriage counseling. For once Shane actually attempted to change.

Things were really good. I was happy again. He seemed happy, we were finally communicating bc seriously he has no clue how. Then the fighting starts again. We stop counseling, I’m ready to just give into whatever. I stop doing what I love, depression hits. I’m living just for things to be ok, but I’m miserable. At this point we are moving soon. I no longer bring up what upsets me. I just try to do whatever he wants to keep the peace. Its scary to think of starting over, splitting a family. Shane is still very insecure, unhappy, suffocating me. He recently told me he is going to come up with a job that we can work together. He comes home, I talk a little, I’m sitting here writing this, he says I don’t love him bc I’m not all over him giving him my full fucking attention.

Really? Yes. I hear this all the time. I’m his everything and it sucks. Yes I’m codependent and learning how to stop this. I am just trying to work on me, so many things to do before I can even make any life choices. A job for one lol. Gain my Independence and confidence back. Security. For now I just feel stuck, always giving in just to have peace. If I don’t do and give, I will be punished etc..

This isn’t to bash anyone, we are all fucked up. We are all different. Sometimes two people just don’t mesh. Sometimes stubborn folks refuse to change. I’m learning to not give my life to changing them. To be ok without what they refuse to give. To live my life and be happy no matter what others do/don’t do. Shane is great in his ways, we have love. He is my friend, but I can’t dismiss the pain or unhappiness. Its time to create the world I want.

That’s most of it, my life..

Have a great day!

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