I am now in a stereotype , a box with many others.
I am labeled lost.
Funny thing is if I’m lost it feels so damn good.
I was Christian for a long time. I mean legalistic, cult, die hard crazy ass Christian. The odd long haired, hairy legged, skirts to the floor, sad faces, no TV, no movie theaters, no music but christian, veggie tale watching Christian.
I told my story before so I won’t get into that. This time the guts of the matter. I had bought into an idea that if I was good enough and followed a million rules I would be Jesus bride, yes I said bride.
That I would beat the sinners, regular Christians , oh and lost heathens to the ultimate abode. The new city. Yep it has a name. Basically you do all this pointless shit, you exclude others, you devote your every waking hour to church/church activities , you become totally secluded and enmeshed in your special group. It is the most unhealthy, twisted, miserable way of living.
When I started studying hard core I actually came to not really believe the Bible is this book I will base my every living second on. I won’t try to shove writings from over 2,000 years ago into my life today. Its a mess. Oh and pretty impossible. I won’t spend each day memorizing history, quoting the words in the Bible. I think the translation has been fucked up, the books were hand picked, and it has been so twisted, oh and used for sheer greed, power, murder, gain, ruling over others, control, hate, and a bunch of awful things.
I also don’t think Jesus is what the Western Christians make him to be. I hate organized religion, I have no interest in going to church. If I do go its bc fear/guilt got the best of me. I think the teachings are unhealthy , the control, guilt, brainwashing is out of control. The lies, awful things covered up, the ridiculous cliche sayings they spout off for any occasion.
I’m over it.
Yet this makes me lost.
I have lost friend D’s, family, I’ve been harassed, had awful things said about me ( yep by Christians funny huh?)
Yet all I do is live my life with no shame, no fear, no regrets, I am doing my best to live out loud and people hate that. I want to be this happy, fun, loud, messy storm of life that blows over people. They love it and want the same, or they are so full of envy, hate, judgment’s they can’t stand me.
I’m fine with either. This lost thing is the best thing I have found in a long time. I don’t have answers and I am so ok with that. I have no desire to have it all figured out, or to fit in anyone’s box. I am happy. The freedom is exhilarating.
So lost. I’m ok being lost. I feel sorry for the ones who claim to be found, who think they have their shit together, who place themselves above others and want to control by placing everyone around them in boxes, they are lost.
Lost never felt so fucking awesome!
Let’s get lost together.