This past week was tough. I was attempting to put up a healthy boundary to protect myself and not allow the behavior of another suck me into their web. I failed. Well, I did accomplish something but it brought forth pain.
Just by me placing a boundary to not give my all to another every second and to sit in another room, talk to another human, read a book.. This all made them feel like I no longer love them. Crazy huh?? I live in this chaos, its worse and there is more than just that issue, but its been the theme of my life. To go around and try to help change, better, save others. They see my love and all I have to offer.. They are vampire zombies. Yes. They do exist. They sniff me out and latch on. Before I could realize what happened I am in their tangled web. Flailing around to get out just gets me stuck even more.
I then start to obsess over how to change them bc my love doesn’t seem to be doing the trick. Then comes the anger since they seem to despise my ideas and help. Then the sadness despair comes in. It reminds me how pathetic I am for being in this mess. This my friend is the life of a codependant with a big heart, lots of empathy and compassion who sincerely wants to help others be happy as well.
I have learned, I had to figure out what this madness on me was, then fight it to get the upper hand. Funny that letting go of worry and control and obsessing about others behaviors and how I want it to change, and reacting to others was so damn hard! Every codependant wants a magic wand to wave and just not care anymore, it is the screams of our heart. It is the hardest thing for us. We latch on, we live in others mad chaotic worlds and take it on as our own. Then we despair trying to figure out how to crawl from a deep dark hole.
A light bulb went off one day and I realized even though for people like myself the concept of detaching seems so crazy and impossible, it really is tangible. I want to only worry about me, to only be responsible for me, to stop living on fear, walking on eggshells, being another miserable persons life line.
I failed this week but I gained ground, after the shit hit the fan I was able to be very clear what I want/don’t want. Now it is in their court to follow through with the many things they said they wanted to change. I have the tough job of continuing to create my life, separate yet together. To live for me, to resist fear, to not give in to others when I want something different just bc I want them to be ok, love me, peace, and them to be happy ( even though it never really works). I am still growing! Even though I have learned through abuse/trauma to be on the defense and very reactive, I am still moving forward in spite of my setbacks. I am peeking through the window of a boarded up house and seeing the sunlight, I want more!
Goals are set, my mind is made up. Now just to keep working the steps towards healing and wholeness.
I know for me lack of sleep, eating awful due to being on the go, being on the go driving etc all day everyday, stress etc throws me into a tailspin. Its hard to focus, comprehend properly and respond how I want, so right now I just need to get through this next week to see the rainbow after the storm. ( physically and me talky) which reminds when you have fibro, all these things lead to extreme pain and fatigue, so its self care time. That’s hard for me too. I just keep going , I never stop until important things are finished, I push and push myself, but, I gotta be careful.
Here is to good health, healing, wholeness